Want to know how to have a happy, satisfied and a life long relationship?
Life is all rainbows and unicorn when you fall in love and like spending time with your loved one. You want to be with that someone every second of the day. You like everything they do or say but you have to work for the relationship once the rainbows and unicorns starts to disappear and you notice your partners flaws and bad behaviour, if you want your relationship to continue happily.
Dr. John Mordecai Gottman is a researcher, clinician, award winning speaker, author and a professor emeritus in psychology who did a vast research work on improving the relationships and prevention of behaviours that can destroy a relationship. He concluded four behaviours that mostly predict a couple’s divorce. These four behaviours slowly eat your relationship, destroying it and eventually pushing the couple for a divorce. You won’t know and slowly these behaviours will put your relationship to an end, a dead end.
Here are the Gottman’s four negative behaviour
When in a relationship it’s natural for the couple to dislike some behaviours of the other partner. So to clear things out, they talk about it and get to a conclusion. Arguments happen in a relationship. But a relationship gets toxic and impossible to handle when there is criticism on the personality is involved. If one partner criticizes the personality of the other partner like how do you talk or laugh or walk, the other partner will most likely get hurt and attack back and it will lead to a heated argument. So for a happy relationship avoid criticizing your partners personality.
Gottman considered this the worst of the four behaviours. Contempt is the most important predictor of a divorce. Gottman called it as ‘sulphuric acid for love’. One can sense the level of destruction this one behaviour can cause from this statement. The contemptuous partner feels superior and show their contempt by correcting your grammar or pronunciation of a word during a talk, mock the other partner and have a hostile humour. In short a contemptuous person disrespects their partner and people don’t like being disrespected.
If you attack your partner naturally they will get defensive and retaliate in a way you won’t like either. Most probably they will blame you for the reason of every fight as you pointed out something generating an argument. They will save themselves and paint you as the bad guy.
Stonewalling is emotional withdrawal from interaction as one partner criticized the other partner and they have built an imaginary wall just for the sake of avoiding them during an argument . They refuse to communicate to the other partner during an argument. They develop this habit just to avoid the argument. They don’t react at all, totally blocking to be a part of that argument.
This article is not for self diagnosis purpose. This article is just for a general information. I hope you liked the article.